I can reach orgasm alone – but not with my partner

I love her and find her sexy but can’t climax when we have sex, and am getting increasingly worried about it. Is treatment available?

I think I have a problem sexually. I can ejaculate alone when I masturbate, but not with a partner. This is becoming a problem as my partner is complaining about my inability to ejaculate when I am with her. I am now over 30 and it is starting to get me worried. Is there any treatment or help I can get? I really love this woman and find her sexy, but I am not able to get to the point of ejaculation.

The transition from solo sex to satisfying partner sex is not always easy. Some people become so accustomed to particular types of touch, pressure or strokes during masturbation that they find switching to the different sensations with another person extremely challenging. In addition, some people require intense focus to achieve orgasm or ejaculation, and the anxiety or distraction of intimacy with a partner interrupts their usual process.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.